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"If there's anything I can do. . ."
You are probably going to hear those words a lot of times in the next few days and weeks. Your friends and relatives, neighbors and co-workers will be concerned about you and your child, and will want to find ways to help you. Because this is a new experience for you and for them, it may be hard for them to know what to do to help, and it may be hard for you to find ways to ask for what you need.
The list below this one is a list of suggestions for practical things people can do that will make your life easier and your child's life brighter, and give all those friends and relatives something useful to do with some of their energy and worry.
You might want to print the list and give it to a family member or friend who is looking for simple things to do to help. You can ask someone to make copies of it and distribute it to your neighbors, your child's teachers or your friends at church or work.
Before you say "I can't ask people to do things for me!" please remember that one of the kindest things you can do for all those concerned people is to give them the chance to help you. Think of all the times you have visited a sick relative, taken care of a friend's child in an emergency, delivered food to a family during a difficult period. Doing those things enriched your life, didn't they? Give the people who care about you a chance to do something that will make them feel less helpless.
Remember, they love your child, too.
Also, find someone (preferably a close relative or a very good friend) to be your "social director." That person can step in and serve as the contact to get information out to all the people who want to know what is happening so that you don't have to make or take a million calls each time there's news. Some people use their “social director” to put updates on their answering machine while the child is in the hospital, or to keep family members and others updated through e-mails. He or she can also keep track of the people who say "if there's anything I can do, please let me know" and coordinate them to bring food, entertain your other children, clean your house, do laundry, bring or send you things at the hospital—or whatever it is that you most need done.
How to Help The Family of a Child with Cancer
**If it's possible to get there, come and sit with the parent in the hospital on those long days when he or she is scared and bored and exhausted all at the same time. Bring a favorite food or a new magazine, and bring lots of news and stories to tell to make them feel less left out of normal life. Hang out with the child so Mom or Dad can get a shower and something to eat.
**If their treatment center is fairly far from home, phone calls (and gifts of those pre-paid phone cards so they can call out) can make them feel like they're still in touch with family and friends.
**If the sick child is a teen, provide transportation so that friends can come to the hospital. Staying in touch with friends and having their support is REALLY important.
**Enlist people to send cards and silly, fun things to the child and any brothers or sisters. A little fun and excitement go a long way toward alleviating pain and fear. Find out what the child likes (some kids collect stickers, the latest craze in toys or trading cards, cool hats, pins, music downloads, etc.) and help get a collection started if he or she doesn't have one already. It will provide something fun to focus on and then people will know what to send or bring when they don't know what else to do.
**Be the "fun" friend who shows up at the hospital room or at home with bubbles, silly string, joke books, Marx Brothers videos, rub-on tattoos, whatever. Life is scary enough right now without having all the grown-ups walk in with long faces! It'll help Mom and Dad, too. (Author's note: One of our dearest friends showed up at the hospital with a roll of paper, painters' tape --the kind that doesn't leave sticky marks-- and a box or markers. She covered the walls with paper and each person who visited my son drew pictures for him, wrote jokes, left funny notes and signed their names. Of course, he wanted to draw, too! Distraction is the name of the game! )
**If the child has brothers or sisters, find someone whose special job it is to give each of them attention, time, treats. They're scared and they're left out and they need people to take them places and listen to them and make them feel important. Be that person!
**Find out if there are any special needs the family has, and try to help coordinate a solution to their problem. Is there a child who is often home alone after school because one parent is at work and the other is at the hospital? Do they need help with transportation or a supply of meals on certain days when normal life is impossible because of clinic visits, diagnostic tests, etc.? Once you've identified an area of concern, work WITH the family to help them solve the problem. In particular, don't ever decide on your own to sponsor a large project like a fund-raiser or major house repair, etc., without talking with the family first. As well-meaning as many of these efforts can be, they may not always be serving the family's most urgent needs. Any supportive undertaking needs to be done in a way that respects the family's wishes and honors their privacy.
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2000, 2004
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advocate for children with cancer,
their families, survivors of childhood cancer and the professionals who
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